I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
