Just fell off a train. Bad.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
