textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
