tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
