Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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