Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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