If i come over, it means nothing
I accidentally had phone sex last night
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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