If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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