well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
