Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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