I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
