There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
