How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
