ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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