I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
