Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
