I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
dude. I can hear the air.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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