oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
