Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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