His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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