you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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