Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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