everyone is single if you try hard enough
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
