Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
