I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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