fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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