Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
