You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
