Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
