if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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