I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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