you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
