I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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