my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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