I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
