how can u be prego again
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
