Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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