bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
