I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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