I need to stop coming to work sober
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
