Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
