Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
