Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
