god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
