george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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