I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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