im drinking this country out of the recession.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
