Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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