Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
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