Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
