i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i dont even know how to be here
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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